I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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