im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
