i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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