oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
a search helicopter?!
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
