i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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