I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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