I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
