dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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