i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize