my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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