the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
