wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
