Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
