i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
