my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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