it was like his penis was on wheels.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
