I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize