I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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