biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
And the cops told us we were all naked.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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