You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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