I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
