I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
there is glitter all over my balls
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
