My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
