I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
