i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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