Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
