Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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