How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
