I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
