Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
