Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
