Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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