nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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