If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
