Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
