I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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