just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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