u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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