M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
