Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
