I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
