When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
