oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
