The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
