we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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