I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
