having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize