My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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