my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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