I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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