I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I am spending my child support on dildos
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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