she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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