I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
