He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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