I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
