Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
