I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
