I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
