I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
