elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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