Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
