false alarm. still invincible.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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