i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
