You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
i now understand why vodka
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
