She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Blood and glitter go together right?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
