***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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