My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
