bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize