Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
