No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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