I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
