I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize