I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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