Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
