My first STD was from a foam party
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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