Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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