Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
